So...if anyone ever asks you if you think it would be cool to work for a Super Villain....smack the fucking shit out of them. Disillusion them QUICK. Because being a henchman to a Super Villain, even if she's a really hot one, sucks a LOT. You're going to get your ass beat. Or shot. Or randomly experimented on.
It's gonna happen. You just have to accept that.
All that being said...a guy I work with(sort of...he's in another division) started one of these and it looks like a fun way to bitch about this crappy ass job. Now I just gotta hope She-Who-Doesn't-Like-To-Be-Named doesn't read this and fire me. Or electrocute me. Or....feed me to her goddamn fish. -shudder-
So today was a pile of shit. Got woken up as some ungodly fucking hour to Captain ******* busting into the place and generally wreaking havoc everywhere. By 5am, half the guardforce has had their asses handed to them. This cat has some wicked ass moves! So anyways...he's rollin' around, tearing shit up, makes his way to my floor. I work in the Experimental Weapons divisions. So I figured we'd have some cool stuff to take him down with.
Boy, was I fuckin' wrong.
Being a member of the guardforce means I don't get to actually USE any of the cool experimental weapons. And trust me...we got some really neat ones. Like the *********. Shit shoots lightning bolts! How fucking awesome is that?! I mean...that's a shoo-in for putting a painful end to a pesky Super Hero's day! But nooooooo.....I get to shoot at him with an M4.
I mean wtf....I don't even get a good assault rifle to plug this douchebag with? Fuck man...
So anyway....this guy is handily working through our floor, dodging bullets and whooping the ass of every guard and scientist he can get his bright orange gloves on when suddenly the elevator door dings. Door slides open and BANG. A box full of CS gas grenades(that's tear gas) blows up and floods the hallway we were in. Now...either it's some kind of cosmic law or our Super Villain is just prudent...but my Guard Henchman mask has a built-in rebreather system so shit like CS is wasted on us lowly guard types. Makes sense, I guess.
Fuckin' silly part?
Captain ******** goes apeshit, coughing his ass off and blowing snot everywhere. If I hadn't been so busy butt-stroking him across the face with my rifle, I'd have been laughing. In fact, after we trussed him up(amid the cheering scientists) and sent him down to the "Re-Education Facility", I did laugh. A LOT.
So it turns out that the new guy who's blog I got the idea to start this one from was the snarky bastard who tried the CS grenade trick. Kudos to that guy. Captain Snotnose beat me up today and I was sick of him dodging my gunshots.
End-state for today's note: Guarding a SuperVillain's lair is a BITCH.
Bright orange gloves? Really, man what is up with the fashion choices of some of these super heroes.
ReplyDeleteI sure as hell hope he wasn't part of some League or Team like some of them are. Not sure I can deal with five other jackasses busting in to bust him free.
Bad enough I'm not a morning person but I don't feel like getting five hundred rounds fired my way before I've had my morning coffee. Or getting my ass kicked by Captain Snotnose's sidekick.
I dunno, mate. This guy was rocking orange, red, and PURPLE spandex.
ReplyDeleteI mean seriously...who does that?
Yeah, agreed on sidekicks. I gotta find out about getting some better guns. These rifles suck balls. Fuck...I wanna shoot lightning bolts at people!
Wow, Captain ******** really should change his name to Captain Eyesore. I mean I've seen his pics in the papers at times but its like page 12 and black and white stuff.
ReplyDeleteOhh man if you get to shoot lightning bolts at people, you soooooo have to scream "Lightning Bolt! Lightning Bolt!"
Hey, that's a good idea. I might do that. That sounds like fun.
ReplyDeleteNow if I can only convince Ms. ******* to let us use the ******* so I can.