What a fucking week....

Yeah, yeah, I know. It's been fucking forever since I posted. Get over it. It's been a retarded few days.

So after the incident with Captain Eyesore, apparently the Powers That Be decided us lower tier guard henchmen needed to go through a hand-to-hand combat re-training course since Captain HolyFuckMyEyesHurt whipped our asses so handily. Well...this brings to mind a military-style Basic Training kind of solider training camp.

Yeah. I wish.

The motto our intructors at Camp Kickedmyass(Camp ******) use is "Train as you fight." This would imply a certain level of realism but these guys take it to a WHOLE different level. Myself and 59 other members of my guards unit spent the last 4 days? 5? getting the shit kicked out of us. I don't know what style of martial arts these guys use but seriously...I've never been put in some many joint locks in my life. Miss a punch? Tossed on your ass, arm-bar. Land a kick wrong? Tossed on your face, ankle-lock. At least 15 guys went down to broken bones and fractured or dislocated joints within the first day.

I think they got off easy.

Anyways...after extensively getting my face kicked in and twisted into a pretzel more times than I care to try and recount, they put us through a kind of "live combat" course which strangely consisted of getting sprayed with a firehose while trying to dodge tennis balls being launched at you at high speeds and fighting off the instructors, who were attacking dressed up as ninjas.

Fuckin' really?

Completion of this course was basically achieved by surviving the onslaught for 10 agonizingly painful minutes. You wouldn't think that the cold would matter when the water is hitting you that hard but, oh yes, it fucking matters. Was the only time in my life I ever peed my pants to stay warm. Not that it matter; the water powerwashed it off me inside of a minute. The tennis balls were actually only mildly distracting. After getting knocked around so much by the instructors earlier in the course, dodging them was pretty easy.

It was the goddamn ninjas that were the hard part.

If anyone ever tells you ninjas suck, slap the shit out of them. Seriously.

I fought off no less than 20 of them in that 10 minutes. Apparently, I was one of the only ones out of my unit able to make it the whole 10 minutes OR fight off all the ninjas. I say this because I got selected for the special "graduation" ceremony. Ya know...that sounded cool at first.

Fuck, I hate being wrong.

Graduation consisted of a full-on no-holds-barred fight with the lead instructor. Who happens to be like 7 feet tall and 300 lbs of muscle. This dude looks like he could walk THROUGH a brick wall without pausing to punch a hole in it first. Worse, he's really fast. Like...I don't even know how it's possible for something that big to move that goddamn fast. I swear to god, getting kicked by him is like having someone use a tree trunk as a whip.

So anyway...5 of us got selected from the survivors of the "live combat" course to fight this dude. I was last on the cards. Winning consisted of either knocking him out or forcing a submission. Elimination from the fight was him doing one of those things to you...or killing you. Pretty sure at least one guy died. Least...if MY head got kicked around at that angle, I would be pretty damn dead. So...I sat, waiting for someone to put this dude down before I had to fight.

Yeah. Like I should have held my breath, waiting for that.

He walked through the other guys like it was nobody's business. So...guess who gets to fight? Yours fucking truly. I square off with him, duck a few punches and then get kicked in the gut for my troubles. I scrambled to my feet in time to avoid him landing on top of me feet-first. I threw a punch at him just in time for him to grab me and toss me over his shoulder. This worked for me though. I'd been thrown just like this like 50 goddamned times this week and never by someone with such long arms. I twisted as he threw me over and dragged him down for an armbar as I hit the ground. That didn't work out quite like I planned because the dude is stronger than an 800 pound gorilla. He shucked me off his arm like I was an anorexic kid. So I wound up flat on my back with this dude towering over me when I remembered something I'd read back when I was in the Army, before joining this henchman gig.

If you nail someone in the balls hard enough, you can kill them. Crazy shit, huh?

Yeah. They let us do this fight with boots on. I got size 14 feet. Guess where my boot went. That's right; straight up into his balls with all the force I could muster from lying flat on my back, which is quite a lot amazingly. I know it was a lot because 10 seconds later, he was laid out in convulsions and I was covered in his vomit.

I forgot that part of the bit I read back in the day.


So yeah....I got the "Official Badass" award during the REAL graduation part of the course and am apparently going to be up for a promotion review when I go back on duty tomorrow.

Go me. Now if I could just get the smell of puke out of my uniform. Dunno what the fuck that dude was eating but Jesus, it fuckin' stinks.